So, due to the varying degrees of crapittude that marked 2008, I decided that 2009 would be the "year of Whitney." A couple of my priorities included increasing my fitness level (strength training) and "strutting it." My definition of strutting includes several concrete actions, undergirded by a mindset that engenders a positive body image (No more "I'm too fat to wear this"!). The "concrete actions" agenda includes: buying and wearing hot pink lipstick (done), buying and wearing short-shorts this summer (not yet) and buying and wearing (proudly!) my first bikini. So, with these goals in mind, I have been anxiously looking forward to swimsuit buying season so I could get a jump-start on my strut. I looked online - Victoria's Secret! DeLia's! even some sites that sold "suits" that maybe weren't designed with swimming in mind. At home, in my bra and panties, I felt confident in my hottitude and even thought about taking this little experiment in self-realization farther. Thong bikini? Why not! I'm young! Live a little!
Then, yesterday, I went shopping. I picked up multiple skimpy, triangle-style bikinis to try on at Target and recoiled in horror when I put them on. Look at my legs - they're so short and fat! And...oh no...cellulite already! You've got to be kidding me! And I guess my stomach's not as fit as I thought! How could I dare put on a one-piece, much less a triangle bikini?!!The whole experience was so disheartening. I've worked hard at confronting the ridiculous body image standards for women and changing my thought patterns to reject society's illusion that every woman should look like a porn star. To be so excited about swimsuit buying and wearing, then to find myself still stuck in the same ridiculous thought-pattern that every woman has, made me question my self-esteem altogether.
It's not all bad, though. I did end up buying a suit, though not the daring one I wanted. I bought the tankini pictured. I love the print - it's fun, young, and reminds me of those adorable Lisa Frank folders. I'm still on the search for the perfect bikini. I'm still on the search for love and acceptance of the body that fills it.
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I'm convinced that the mirrors in dressing rooms are wide, making you look bigger than you actually are. And the lighting is terrible and it makes your skin look gross. Really - I'm not just saying that, I've had conversations about this with multiple people. You are absolutely beautiful and I love the suit you chose!!
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